This is my fourth message, this time, for the first time, signed from Patty sent on 10th January 2011. We know that she is in her fifties.
Subject: Re: Hello
To Whom It May Concern [Patty's dropped the new nerd Internet acronym lingo]:
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I should count my lucky stars and be thankful I'm back home again and out and away from the social services/health and therapy places I've lived in most of my life. Getting off all the medication I was on for so long has helped also. That was a misdiagnosis or it was the wrong type for the wrong reasons and it was too strong or I took it for too long for no apparent reason. From what I understand it didn't cause permanent brain damage since most of those medications were nothing but a very strong tranquilizer or sedative. My mother keeps reminding me to be thankful and to think positive. She was always better at that than myself and maybe my father as well. I've been working through things for the last 10-12 years and at least I'm back home again in familiar surroundings with home, friends, family and hopefully some decent neighbors so recovery and healing can begin. There's been a lot of changes and adjustments over a short amount of time that kind of threw me off and that's why I got off to a bad start several years ago. It's still a struggle because of all I've had to deal with over the last 10-12 years. I was unprepared to deal with or handle a lot of stuff over the years or didn't have the necessary skills, education, life skills or quality of family and home life to deal with everything beginning when I was about 14 years old. I was left out of the normal home, family life, parental input and advice and normal teenage growing up years for the most part. It's like I've been suddenly fast-forwarded 30 years and is still quite an adjustment and all at once. I know Denver is a bigger city and it's not like it used to be and many friends and neighbors or those I knew when growing up have moved on or are no longer around but the native residents of Colorado and Denver still deserve respect and concern and deserve to not be left out and ignored. I guess I'm old school and maybe old fashioned compared to other people but they'll just have to accept that and deal with it like I've had to deal with and accept that and worse over many years.
I'm still having trouble finding a schedule and getting to bed earlier, getting up earlier and finding a normal routine again. Sleeping pills like what Dr. South originally suggested years ago might help. Most medications I've been on have made me very sleepy and drowsy. It was difficult to enjoy a normal daytime routine because of the drowsiness that the medications caused. It was difficult to be clear headed enough to think about overcoming fear, loss and not being able to live at home and why. Now that my mother is sicker and I'm much older and haven't had a normal acceptable daily routine to call my own for years, it would help if I could be left alone and at peace so I can regain some of what I've lost over the years. I think someone else needs counseling, therapy and to be put through the mill of the health care system, homelessness and general loss instead of me for once. I've been there, done that whereas they haven't. Hopefully they are finally getting the help they've been missing. Being heavily medicated like I was and living in downtown Denver around some very lower class people and circumstances meant I didn't have a very good quality of life or a healthy and normal existence and many times not even the right to demand or expect better or differently. Where my mother and her friends, relatives or helpful support team were at then and why they weren't there for me I couldn't say. Multi-tasking or higher functioning was out of the question for a good portion of my life and much of it wasn't my fault. It isn't difficult for me to get back on track now or want a better life and never has been. That was a misdiagnosis from years ago. It is more difficult for my mother and her friends, family, relatives and helpful support team to see that or agree with that or see it from my point of view or even relate for some reason. They are the ones with the adjustment and acceptance difficulties in that case not myself.
I'm sorry I got upset again at the neighbors. I thought I wouldn't harm anyone and nothing would happen and so did my mother. I guess we were wrong. I've learned the hard way not to believe everything my mother and my father says. By now at 50 years of age I hope I am capable of making my own decisions and trusting my own instincts and better judgment. If not something is seriously wrong and my parents were never that great either. Whoever and whatever they've put their hope, faith, charity and money into over the years isn't that great either and never was.
I got upset at our parish priest that was here not too long ago. I thought he deserved it and we weren't making any progress and he seemed like a jerk who wasn't very helpful and who may have had problems himself he wasn't dealing with just like my father said many years ago. He ignored me when he was here and didn't talk, communicate or answer me when I addressed him. He seemed more intrusive and curious and wanted a free education than he was very helpful or concerned or interested in our problems. Perhaps there are or have been other religious advice givers lately or in past years that had a lot of problems no one was aware of or were willing to deal with. That's what could have happened at Loreto Heights College [Colorado Heights University is an American university in Denver, Colorado, part of the Teikyo University Group. In July, 2009 it changed its name from Teikyo Loretto Heights University to Colorado Heights University. It opened in 1989 on the campus of the former Loretto Heights College.] in the late 1970's in my opinion. They may not have had good advice givers to rely upon or the ones that were assigned to them were "a little out to lunch" or had problems also no one was aware of and wouldn't leave them alone and in peace even though they had moved across the street into their own apartments and were no longer living on the campus or in the dormitories. I think they weren't being left alone by the teachers and staff at the college or those they thought were helpful or should have been there for them either. They just didn't get the message either or were too incompetent to be very helpful.
Anyhow, the cops showed up and almost arrested me even though I hadn't done anything wrong at least twice in about 2002-2003. One time they took me to All Saints Parish and knocked on the door and showed me to the priest and why I don't know. Maybe he didn't know for sure either come to think of it. Either way he was quite a disappointment and another let down I didn't need at that time. The priest shut the door on me and them without recognizing me or rescuing me or doing anything about the situation. I guess the cops agreed to take me back to the DGH psych facility or one time I think an ambulance took me to Centennial Peaks Hospital near Boulder, CO. [According to their website, "Centennial Peaks Hospital is dedicated to providing a full range of mental health and chemical dependency services to the state of Colorado. We strive to enhance the mental health, safety and well-being of our patients, their families, and the community at large by providing ethical, compassionate, medically and psychologically integrated inpatient and intensive outpatient treatment for psychiatric and addiction disorders".] I lost track of how many times that happened and where I went to and why or who suggested what and why. I don't think they discussed the possibility of the Samaritan Shelter again which I had just left not too long ago. It was almost a vicious cycle by that time. Why the priest didn't speak up or say something or prevent that from happening again or why someone wasn't seeing to it that my mother received counseling or loss and grief support I wouldn't know. My mother told them she didn't want me living at home when previously she had said just the opposite. She said she was brainwashed then and receiving bad advice as well but I doubt it. She hadn't been through what I had been through by that time or had been subjected to actual brainwashing and scare tactics like I had and neither had her friends. She claimed she was brainwashed when previously she had no problems with that. I found that very unnerving and saddening. She never used to act like that towards me and neither did her friends. I guess I became even more distraught, anxious or angry because of that. It would be the normal reaction to a situation like that. I only wanted my mother to take me back in again like she and her friends had agreed to or promised since I am her daughter. What counseling and support she did have wasn't enough or it wasn't the right kind or it didn't' do her much good and she got sicker after that. No attempts were made to reconnect myself to my mother and home or see to it that occurred and for many years previously. The cops themselves were very corrupt and in therapy or recovery or should have been and obviously not very professional or ethical. Someone should have been aware of that and their problems and stopped it before it happened or should have been aware and reported it but no one did anything about it and I was powerless to stop or prevent another tragedy from occurring. Terrible things could have happened to me because the two police officers at the time and I still remember what they looked like, could have done whatever they wished with me for whatever reason they chose and no one would have complained or questioned their motives or actions or stopped them. I was the helpless victim again not anyone else. Those two cops were short, stalky and looked like they could have been Mexican. They looked like they could have been brothers or twins. They looked like they had been on steroids because they were very muscular and pumped up like they were weightlifters or ex-military of some type. That all by itself scared me and was an unnecessary and unreasonable show of force. The Columbine High School shootings had happened recently but that shouldn't have prompted them to become overly paranoid or aggressive towards me and for little or no reason and without "checking it out" first with myself, my mother or someone with power, trust and authority over their actions and behavior or what they should and should not be doing and why. If they were that confused, paranoid and in doubt they shouldn't have been allowed to be police officers at all.