I received this, my eleventh message from Patricia on 25th January 2011. This email letter is signed by Margaret and Patty. Starting from letter 10, the letters have became more verbose and wordy, presenting more information of Patty's life. We're starting to see a fuller picture now. If this continues, we may be able to write a full length biography of Patty. Does this consistency verify Patricia's story.
Subject: Re: hello
To Whom It May Concern:
I am trying to become quieter, nicer, gentler, more at peace and more under control. It is a little difficult when on the other hand and at the same time my Dad and others expected me to be tough, street-wise and a better than average woman like what they or my parents and their friends and relatives had in mind. It was probably very competitive in this area of town years ago and I wasn't able to grasp that or keep up after awhile. Our family was different or had been there done that or knew differently but that still didn't make it easier or any better. It is probably learned behavior and I'm trying to get over that. It's enough to make anyone run away from home or intentionally go missing and live anonymously somewhere. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown at such a young age. That was then and this is now but that idea or way of thinking still hangs on with some people around here. I hope my Mom and Dad have learned their lesson about that. That type of one sided stress can lead to violence, frustration and anger when it is completely unnecessary. That all would have been different or not happened at all had I had more freedom to come and go and do as I please without feeling intimidated by the neighbors or if I had a different outlet or something constructive to do outside of home.
There should have been another way of accomplishing the same thing starting 10 or 12 years ago. I've managed to adapt and adjust during the last 10 or 12 years but it's been quite a loss and set-back I wasn't expecting. It's been very hard on us but thank goodness my Mom is still willing to hang in there and put up with certain things because she is understanding and is my mother and knows I'm "just working through stuff." I hope she is accurate about that much at least. Too much freedom and independence to do whatever one pleases without suffering the consequences and not having any responsibility is immature and is hard on society in general I think.
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I still don't have a way of paying the bills or taking care of myself. Now that I'm older without much to show for my hard won pain, loss and street-wise education it's a little too late now. I have no place else to go and never really did. This is my home and will be after my mother dies. I'm her daughter not her live-in health care worker. I never had a chance to take care of myself independently or it wasn't really encouraged and it wasn't my fault it turned out that way. I never had a chance to get out on my own in my own apartment etc. like was expected. I have been living on welfare, Sec. 8 Housing, food and clothing hand outs from places like the Samaritan Shelter and in and out of psych facilities most of my life and I haven't really experienced what it would be like to be independent and not have to live in fear or the potential of someone else having a different opinion that could really set me back and take my quality of life away from me again. It can be very stressful and debilitating. I don't know if that was normal or expected or OK with my parents and their friends and relatives or not. They never said one way or the other so I guess it wasn't that important. It's been very hard on me and quite a loss and hasn't really stopped yet. It keeps getting worse now that our cat "Sunny" has been taken from us. I can't really discuss it with the cops or other authorities around here because I have been there, done that and I don't really trust any of them for obvious reasons or not anymore. People change as they get older or grow up.
I should be glad all my problems were psychological and family and not physical like cancer or something worse. It has been bad enough as it is without that too. It depends how you look at it however. I still don't feel very safe or comfortable in and around my own neighborhood. I still can't enjoy my own situation here after all these years. It is almost like being physically handicapped and still unable enjoy a lot of things other people do. The neighbors and neighborhood is very oppressive in that way and maybe always has been. I'm getting more accustomed to routine or doing certain things everyday around here even though it could be a lot better and should have been better starting many years ago. I've managed to adjust and adapt but it has been awfully hard on us.
When my mother had colon surgery a few years back, a doctor from Grand Junction did the procedure so my mother claimed. His last name sounded familiar because he either married one of the R.A.'s from the dorms in Grand Junction or they were of the same family. He could have been involved in the adoption program there and was still playing big brother or father figure to the R.A.'s who grew up in a foster home in Grand Junction so I thought. It was creepy that he should marry a former foster child that he may have known. I found it all a little uncomfortable and creepy after so many years of being away from all the bad feelings or whatever else I left behind in Grand Junction. He wanted to talk to me as well but I refused because I thought I was being used as bait when I was still feeling uncomfortable about the crooked cops that I had a run-in with not too many years previously. I didn't know if he was aware of that or oblivious to right and wrong or was relying on old information from years ago or was trying to brainwash me into thinking I was the one who was sick. I didn't talk to him or let him see me also like he wanted. I already had a family physician and wanted out of the medical health system horrors that had been going on for way too long by that time. I didn't visit my mother when she was sent to recover in a nursing home not far from here either. I stayed away from all that and her. I had been there, done that enough and was a little sick and tired of being around sick, mentally ill or sick people in general. It's not my cup of tea and never has been. I had myself and my cat and the house to think of should my mother not get well or die.
It may have been a blessing in disguise I was heavily medicated and sort of on automatic pilot from somewhere else while attending Mesa College. I may not have been aware of the pain and misery around me and could have been numbed up and not feeling any pain to where I didn't notice. That could have been the only way I survived it as long as I did. I had my own room all to myself most of the time as I recall. I don't know if the R.A.'s intentionally decided it should be that way or what the real reasons were. As far as I know they weren't aware of any special needs I had versus someone else who didn't. That would have been an invasion of privacy starting even then. It was never discussed with me one way or the other. I don't know if I paid extra for my own room without a roommate I wouldn't have known. That may have been a little suspicious to some others in the dorms or they became jealous. That should have been discussed with my parents or the R.A.'s or college or the health counselors in Denver I still hadn't gotten away from. No one ever said anything to me about paying extra for a room all to myself. No one talked to my parents about that either as far as I know. I was probably too scared to speak up and talk to the R.A.s or anyone about much of anything least they find out my true problems or I appear a little awkward when they obviously didn't know or weren't aware of all I had been through and was continuing to deal with. They didn't know I was on medication as far as I know and when they did know, towards the end, things only got worse for me so it probably was a good idea they didn't know. I never requested my own room and no one ever suggested it as far as I know and if they did I was never aware of it. I was assigned a roommate in a room on the 3rd floor the first semester but my roommate quit or didn't like it then they moved me to another room on the first floor with another roommate that didn't last long so I had the room all to myself the rest of the semester. They moved me around quite a bit as I recall sometimes with a roommate and sometimes without a roommate. I don't know if anyone else was moved around as frequently as I was or not. It was never really discussed and I didn't bother to ask or question it when perhaps I should have. I was just happy and grateful to be there at all with a chance to start all over again and regain my life back and get away from all the chaos and trauma in Denver. Too bad it never really worked out that way or not for very long.
I had just gotten back from Sierra Mountain College in Incline Village, Nevada in the summer of 1980 and made it up to Grand Junction and checked into college just in time to start classes as I recall. It must have been late September and I could have been a late arrival. I had planned on studying botany at Sierra Nevada College but I wasn't there very long. The housing and living arrangements there were far from accommodating at least for someone like myself, and it was very expensive and in an exclusive part of Lake Tahoe. I probably shouldn't have been allowed to apply for college there at all. My parents should have used that money to help me recover or improve the quality of life or living situation around here instead but that never happened. I wasn't even there for an entire semester when I quit and decided on Mesa College instead. I think my parents got a full refund from Incline Village but I wouldn't know.
Margaret and Patty